Yes i am writing this blog at 2:36AM and completely under infuence.....so if i read this tomorrow morning i might be amazed at what i have actually written in here....
Now when i say under influence....its could be only under the influence of alcohol..the only influence i have been under....
I have been dead drunk on more than one occasion, and i have decided that i will quit driking alcohol on each of those incidents.....but then every time i make that promise to myself i find myself under the infulnce once again. When will it stop...when will we start defining our boundaries....how much we should drink....what we should drink, when and how.....too many definitions that have not be laid out correclty....or maybe they never will ....until i reach a point where i get all messed up and quit it for good....Now i did reach that stage .....this 31st to be precicse.....I was sloshed....shailesh helped me out...put me to bed.....the next day when i woke up...and i woke up the earliest..cos i had slept the earliest...i was too embaressed....to face myself.....to face my friends....to say sorrry for what i had done......and to say that i will never do that again....but now i know....i know i could resist it for a month...infact for a month and 9 days....i didnt touch it for a month and 9 days....does that say i am strong...or does it say that i am weak and gave into alcohol after a month....who won...why?
All i know today..is that i have paid my debt...it was on 31st that i made a big mess out of myself and today i helped someone clean up his mess.....does it really work that way...paying it forward.....? You can never pay it back to the people who helped you but you pay it to someone else who needed it?
Is it time...to call it quits...i wish i was strong to make that decision now and stick to it...maybe i am ...then maybe i am not...but i hope i never do it as much again....that i need to be helped....
I have been crazy....i have been dumb....i have been respected by other because i did it all....because i never said no...never said no to ALCOHOL....now was it all worth it...i didnt knew then...i dont know now....and will never know it...but what i have learned is invaluable...that everyonce in a while you will feel invincible...every once in a while you will feel GOD....every once in a while you will want to give in...but then every once in a while you will also realize its not worth it....and thats what i have learned today.....
Late maybe....but i am there now....i am here now....can i quit it...yes i can...So lets try it once again....and it doesnt matter if it gets to me....but for now..i have quit it...yes i have said no to ALCOHOL.....lets hope that i can say no to it for long...long enough for me to miss it......long enough for me to forget how good it felt to lose myself to it....long enough to remember the days when i loved it.....
Lets hope I can do this....lets hope you support me....lets hope we all give up....on addiction....lets hope we all give in to life.....
